While I have always been sporadic in posting to this blog, this is my first entry since January 2019; the longest hiatus I have taken since beginning this endeavor in 2010. However, my time away has been from more than just this blog. I have taken a permanent leave from my life as I knew it. On August 16, 2019, my wife Maria passed away from metastatic breast cancer. The reoccurrence of her cancer after being cancer-free for over five years was a shock. The progression of the disease was swift and merciless. There are no words that I can use to adequately describe the depth of devastation in the wake of her passing. It is a loss that I am still trying to process nearly four years later.
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Maria Spell Demos (1962-2019)
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When my life suddenly and drastically changed, many existential questions flooded my mind. In looking for answers, I initially felt like a drowning man flailing desperately and reaching out for anything to keep me afloat. I was also at the intersection of two other significant challenges. First, shortly after Maria’s death, while I was just at the very beginning of the grieving process, COVID-19 overwhelmed the planet. Like almost every composer I know, the onset of this pandemic decimated my professional opportunities and left me isolated in quarantine with only Zoom conference calls and home delivery services as lifelines to the world outside. Certainly, this was not a good place to be while in unbearable emotional pain. Second, I was also still serving as the Director of the Georgia State University School of Music at this time. While the relentless busywork of that gig helped me a bit simply by blunting my thoughts and emotions, it had a deleterious effect on my creative output as a composer. When I first took the position as Director, Maria was still alive and I had energy, focus, and felt as though I could accomplish anything. For a short time, I did. In fact, I wrote a blog post about how my new admin position was actually helping my creative process (see the December 31, 2017 entry for all the glorious hubris). However, after Maria’s death, all such energy and ambition were extinguished. It was as if a huge deluge of water suddenly crashed upon the fire of my aspirations; a campfire encountering a tsunami. It is probably not too surprising that in the wake of this trauma, I am now no longer in an administrative position at my university having returned to the faculty. |
The wonderful smol ensemble after their recent
performance of my work, "small talk" at SoundNOW. (l-r): Justin Greene, Amy O'Dell, Monica Pearce, Paul Stevens, and Olivia Kieffer. (Credit: Elizabeth Theriot) |
At the same time, I have responded to my new life in various ways. I reinvigorated my prayer life and engaged in self-care activities such as therapy with a licensed professional, physical exercise, reading, and journaling. I also am incredibly fortunate to have family and friends who support me. One other valuable response has been a rededication to music composition. Although I did not ever completely abandon composing, whether at the height of my administrative responsibilities or the nadir of my emotional distress, my creative output was perhaps understandably slowed. Now, I feel like I am finally on the long road back. My return to this blog as well as much needed updates to my website bear witness to this.
However, as I walk along this long road, it really doesn’t lead “back” to something familiar but rather, to a new destination. I know that I am no longer the same person I was before Maria’s death. Yet, as it turns out, I still need to compose; and need to do so regularly. I realize that the desire to enter the creative process and lose myself in the composition of music is important because it’s the only place that still feels familiar, a surviving treasure from a former life. I am beyond grateful that in the past few years, commissions, performances of my music, awards, and other opportunities I have been blessed to receive for my work serve as validation that whether heading “back,” or to a new place, I am on the right road.
